My Recovery Story
In honor of those recovered from eating disorders and those who are still struggling every day, this is my story. A story of choosing life, health and happiness and never giving up. I was always a very shy kid and found it very hard to make friends and socialize with others. This was even more magnified when I entered high-school. I learned very early on in grade nine that there were many cliques and if you didn’t belong to one of these cliques, it would be very hard for you to make friends and feel like you belonged. It was very hard for me to meet people because I was so shy. It caused me so much social anxiety even talking to people that I chose to withdraw and hideaway in my own thoughts. I would even hide in the library at lunch time in order to avoid having to be social.
I started to become obsessed with “making it” to the “in crowd.” Since I was so shy, I thought that if only I looked pretty enough or skinny enough, they would accept me into their group. I began spending hours and hours on my appearance and began to restrict my eating. I can remember setting my alarm at 5:30 am just to get up and get ready for school in time making sure that my make-up and hair was perfect. I also began to exercise and write down exactly what I was eating every day. I became obsessed with this and began to lose a lot of weight. The popular kids still were oblivious that I even existed. I got frustrated by this thinking that it was because I still wasn’t skinny enough. I began skipping breakfast and lunches and barely eating anything for dinner—hoping my family wouldn’t notice that I was barely eating. I still continued to exercise and would get very upset if everyday life got in the way of my exercise regime.
I began to lose even more weight. I would look in the mirror and see imperfections in my body and rolls in my stomach even though what others saw when they looked at me was far from that. I continued these self-destructive behaviors and began to dwindle down to only 75 pounds. At this time, I was severely malnourished and because of this was in a dark tunnel of depression. It was so hard for me to even get up in the morning and go to school.
It was actually my sisters that became very concerned for my health and told my mom that they should look into getting me help. I remember my Mom taking me to our family doctor who referred us to a specialist in London, ON. She examined me and informed me to go get my heart tested and to write down what I was eating for a week. I can still remember being in the lab where they were measuring my heart rate and my heart was barely functioning. The doctor pointed out to me that my heart was working a little bit and then was flat-lining. I was literally on the brink of death! This really scared me and I decided that I wanted to get help for this monster that had overtaken me.
The specialist in London referred me to the eating disorders program. It was a day patient program that I had to go to everyday. Unfortunately, that meant that my Mom had to drive over an hour per way every single day! She would drive me there early in the morning, drive all the way home, then have to drive all the way there again to pick me up and then drive me back home! To this day, I don’t know how she did that! I owe my Mom a lot. She is such a selfless, strong, loving person. I am so blessed to have her in my life. I also owe my church family a lot! Since my family did not have much money, a bunch of people from the church anonymously gave money to my parents for gas to drive me into London every day. I am also so thankful for all of their prayers and support while I was struggling. Everyone’s love, support and prayers helped me get through the hardest point in my life.
I was in the eating disorders program for eight months where I learned how to deal with my emotions in a healthy way, how to eat healthy meals, to love myself for who I am and how to socialize with other girls my age. I am so thankful that this program is in place. Without it, I would have never been able to fully recover.
I started to go back to school full time and was introduced to an amazing music teacher who welcomed me and introduced me to a group of students who I finally felt like I belonged with. This teacher brought vocal classes to our school which I loved because I was a singer and it was something that I excelled in and had a real passion for. This teacher made my last years of high school such good ones that I imagine were more what high-school should be like. I began singing in front of the whole school and was even one of the lead soloists in our end of the year school musical. This teacher made me feel confident and like I could do anything. Because of her, I chose to further my music education and go to college for music after high-school. At this college, I also met my husband. I truly believe that people are put in your life for a reason and with your family and friends love and support anything is possible.
For those of you who are still struggling with an eating disorder, please know that you are not alone. Please reach out for help.
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