I Can Laugh Again

I have been hesitant to share my story, but I think it’s kind of begging to come out.

Ten years ago, after the birth of my second child, I had my first psychotic break. We were living in Ireland at the time and we were just a few days shy of coming back to the States for a couple of weeks for vacation. To say psychosis is scary and lonely and dark is an understatement. When I came back to reality, I could remember everything. I could barely watch TV without getting triggered. And there were really no solid answers about why this happened. So I also became extremely anxious and depressed. All of my stuff was still in Ireland and to top it off, I got pregnant with my third child. Which we were very happy about. We made the decision to move back to the States. This began some good but hard years.

After barely asking me anything about my history, I was given a diagnosis of bipolar 1. I had two more beautiful children, but I was plagued with some depression and fear. Would I have another episode? What is wrong with me? Well, I did have three more episodes, one lasting four months. I was on various medications and was told that I could maybe manage some symptoms, but this would be by life. What a depressing diagnosis. I lived in a whirlwind of hurt and pain for ten years, all while trying to be a good wife and mom to my four kids.

Finally, the summer of 2014 hit. It was my worst episode ever. My drinking got out of control, my substance abuse got out of control. I still didn’t know what was wrong with me. Why was this happening? Nothing was working anymore, not even medicine. I was put on a different anti-psychotic and it brought me back to reality.  

I decided that I couldn’t live like this any longer. I began searching for alternative methods and read up on the Paleo diet as treatment. I found a doctor in North Carolina who was a psychiatrist, but also believe in holistic treatment. Two weeks into the diet and taking supplements, my mom looked at me and said, “I think I’m getting my daughter back.” I didn’t think healing was really possible. I had lost hope. I had prayed for years for healing. My prayers were getting answered.

I remember walking around my house saying, “So this is what it feels like to feel normal.” I began to organize my house and could handle a routine. I quit drinking and smoking. This was two years ago. I’ve been Paleo ever since and am finally getting to what caused my illness, which was childhood trauma. And of course, each episode was trauma so I am working through that. Even though it’s scary to work through these issues with my therapist, I feel better. I feel alive. After ten years of hopelessness with my illness, I have hope.  

My doctor said my illness was from trauma. She said if you heal the trauma, you can heal the symptoms. I have been finding this to be true on my journey. I am on a low dose of meds, taking prescribed supplements and eating well and I feel great. My friends and family have been blown away at the transformation and I have been too. I can be present with my kids and family. I laugh again. I didn’t laugh for ten years. I literally thank God every day for my life and that I feel good. May I never take my laughter for granted. I want to shout it: there’s hope for healing!