How Depression Made Me a Man

MAR. 07, 2018

By Roro Asmar


“Be strong!”

“Toughen up!” 

“Don’t cry!” 

Never did someone stand over me as a kid and yell, “Let it out! It’s okay to cry! It’s human to hurt!” From my football coaches to my own father, it seems as though the social norm for men is to be some kind of impenetrable mountain of muscle that feels no pain and has no emotion. If we’re not hunting or fighting or eating a bloody, rare steak, then we’re not men. As a kid, I idolized the manly behemoths on TV. From Arnold Schwarzenegger to Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, I wanted to be just like them. And I didn’t only want to mimic their physical appearance, but I wanted to be as happy and carefree as they seemed.

Our culture depicts men as heroes and symbols of strength and popularity, almost to the point of being invincible. Every little boy wants to be invincible. When my parents fought—yelling and breaking things in the house—all I wanted to be was invincible against how sad they made me feel. I wanted to be invincible against the feelings I had when that girl I had a crush on in 5th grade said, “No thanks, you’re too fat for me” after I finally worked up the courage to ask her to be my girlfriend; instead, I ran away and cried in the boy’s bathroom during second period. I wanted to be invincible when my youth football coach called me a “pussy” because I got hit and I said it hurt; instead, I questioned why feeling pain made me less of a man.

All these feelings, emotions and a twisted view of masculinity had a hold on me. Rather than accept and process my emotions, I learned to ignore and compartmentalize them. I kept my issues and pains to myself and tried my hardest to push them down as deep and far away from the surface as I could.

Then, the day came when the flood couldn’t be held back any longer and the levees broke. For so long I had hidden my pain, my confusion, my depression and I had become good at pretending to be “okay” with everything life was throwing at me. But one day it was not “okay” anymore. My mental illness had been ignored for so long and it would not be quieted any longer.

I couldn’t find any more strength or courage or fight just to keep those around me from finding out how bad I truly felt. I was so conditioned to “man up” that when the pain, sorrow and thoughts of suicide ran through my mind, I had no answer. I couldn’t yell or puff my chest at depression. Depression didn’t care how much I could lift or what car I drove or how many girls I had been with. Depression knew the real me. It knew the little boy who could never face his real problems head-on because the society in which he grew up wouldn’t let him. He was too busy pretending to be strong, too busy pretending to be a “man” to admit he lived with depression.

After my attempted suicide and rehabilitation, things started to become clearer. I learned that pain, sorrow, anger and sadness are a part of life—emotions don’t care if you are a man or woman or household pet. For the first time, I could accept and acknowledge my weaknesses and my pain. Finally, I found myself and have never felt stronger or more of a man. 

Coming out about my depression was one of the most freeing and courageous things I have ever done. No longer am I silent or fearful about who I really am. I am comfortable and confident enough in myself to accept and face my demons. I’m no longer ashamed of my depression. And being self-aware and brave enough to face my emotions fills me with more manly strength and pride than any action hero ever did. 

I can now step in front of my mental illness and accept it as a part of me, instead of always living in its shadow. And I’m here to tell you fellas to be bold and fearless about who you are. Be strong enough to admit your pains. Be courageous to acknowledge your struggles—regardless of how “un-manly” they may seem. 

Depression affects 6 million men per year. So, next time you’re in the locker room talking, I hope that the conversation becomes deeper than football plays and girls. For being a man is what we men make it. 


Rob “Roro” Asmar is a chef and restaurateur in the DC area. He passionately advocates for mental health through his volunteer and awareness raising efforts and seeks to break the stigma surrounding mental health & men. His open and positive attitude are expressed through his social media platform @RoroMeetsWorld where you can find his cooking and refreshing take on life. 


MAR, 30, 2018 11:14:25 AM
Mary M
Roro, Thanks again for sharing your story. I'll be posting this for others to read. It's important we break this barrier.

MAR, 29, 2018 08:59:03 AM
Thank you. I will save and share this with brave men I know.

MAR, 28, 2018 06:04:23 PM
Mary M
Thank you for sharing this Roro. When I was a young girl, I hung out with the boys. I had to prove to be tougher than them, because if I let them see me in pain they'd say "you're being such a girl!". I went through a very similar thing as a child and looked to my hero, Spock, as someone who was in total control of his emotions. I also suffer from depression and had a psychotic break a year and a half ago. I came out about my depression at work at a company meeting. It was wonderful. I'm lucky and work in a very supportive environment. I'm glad you called it 'coming out' as that's what it was like for me. I'm happy you are doing so well!

MAR, 28, 2018 06:03:22 PM
Sharon Schwartz
Very well said!! Thank-you for being transparent. I also share my story and struggles with mental illness. My passion is to reach women, but thank-you for bringing awareness for men! Because mental illness doesn't care if you are male or female! Thanks for sharing! God bless!

MAR, 28, 2018 04:22:59 PM
Philip Kaplan
Roro, your courage and willingness to share are EXACTLY what our society needs! I'm a guy who has also battled severe depression throughout my life, and I strongly believe that male emotional vulnerability is the last taboo. Boys and men still grow up hearing all these toxic messages from our culture... "Nice guys finish last," "There are winners and losers in this world," "Winning isn't everything, it's the only thing," "Real men don't sit around whining, real men get RESULTS!" It's completely nonsensical, and judging from the number of men who end up committing murder/suicides (often targeting random strangers), it would appear that more and more men are simply cracking under the pressure. I'd much rather live in a world where more men felt safe to let go of all this unrealistic, hard-nosed macho crap and instead were allowed to be human and vulnerable... and to be open about it. So, Roro, I hope you know that in publishing your story, you are doing your part to make the world a better place!

MAR, 28, 2018 03:33:00 PM
yes a man

MAR, 18, 2018 05:00:28 AM
My life has been hell. I am going to try this treatment.

MAR, 14, 2018 03:08:23 PM
Thank you for sharing, Roro! Living with authenticity is a critical component for overcoming depression. It is everyone's birthright to share their inner-light with the world.

MAR, 13, 2018 12:05:48 PM
Marva Fairclough
Very encouraging! My Son suffers from depression.

MAR, 12, 2018 11:12:59 PM
Tammy C.
Good for you Roro!
Stand proud, you are an inspiration✌️

MAR, 09, 2018 10:58:52 AM
Thank you for sharing. I know 4 men that I love dearly that suffer from depression. They all played football, so being tough was always driven in them.
One is suffering from PTSD.
We have to stress that it is ok, not to be ashamed and the importance of getting help.

MAR, 08, 2018 11:22:51 PM
Thank you Roro. I can strongly relate. Life often has no mercy for young men (or women). I lived in a part of the country where it was okay for boys to cry and show their feelings and talk however they wanted. Then I moved to the deep south and was shamed for years for being "me". Now I am a completely changed person, more masculine but riddled with mental illness; but I am stronger, stronger than those who hated me especially. And I have them to thank.

MAR, 08, 2018 05:23:22 PM
You nailed it Roro! These dysfunctional "lifescripts" that we learn at an early age are stereotypical and damaging to all segments of our society. Thanks for sharing your powerful journey into the discovery of truth and authentic self. It's an internal process of discovery and healing the old wounds of toxic scripts and behaviors. Many thanks for sharing your powerful story!

MAR, 08, 2018 05:09:17 PM
Thomas Carson
Roro, I really enjoyed reading about your journey and acceptance of your depression. You are an amazing example of recovery!

MAR, 08, 2018 10:08:21 AM
Nate White
Roro, thank you for stepping out and opening the door for other men dealing with depression.

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