Having Hope

I struggled with anorexia for most of my teenage and college life. The deaths of friends and family and domestic violence fueled my depression. I entered treatment at age 13, which had its positives and negatives. I would get healthy for short periods, but then I would relapse when I experienced a life event out of my control. Living in a rural area with limited access to eating disorder specialists, I felt as if I had to do a lot of work on my own.

So what helped in my healing process? Creating art, staying active, being in nature and my faith were—and continue to be—my main healing agents. I was active in sports before anorexia, but learning how to rebuild muscle and engage in healthy exercise was never part of my wellness plan. I did much self-work on this issue because I wanted to change my perspective about exercise. My motivation for staying active has definitely changed. It’s not about losing weight in order to gain self-worth; it’s about being healthy and strong.  When I run a race or bike, I often pray a prayer of gratitude for what I have overcome and give a shout out to those struggling with eating disorders and other forms of mental illness.

I took this picture while on a bike ride over the weekend. I thought it was a great representation of hope. Having hope is huge! I didn’t understand what hope was or why there was a reason to have it. However, in hindsight, I know that there are always hope and possibilities. I continue to stay in tune with my depression and notice when/why I may be feeling more down. As a mental health professional, I had difficulty believing I could be on the helping team if I too struggled. We all struggle. It’s important to speak from our scars and not our wounds, but I think we should still talk about our experiences. That’s why I’m writing today.  

My path has taken some recent shifts as I explore ways to combine mental health care and ministry. Sometimes I wish I didn’t experience parts of my past, but all of it has influenced who I am and how I relate to others. Sometimes we are called to be the person we wish we had at a certain point in our lives. That’s my ongoing goal.