My Reason to Live

I am 35-year-old wife and mother of four girls. They are 18, 16, 10 and 8. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder I with psychotic features. I also suffer from schizophrenia, anxiety and codependency. I’ve decided to share my story in hopes that it will provide inspiration to others.

I have problems with my memory but I can recall being depressed at 9-years old. I used to experience suicidal thoughts, depression and feelings of hopelessness. I didn’t understand why I had dysfunctional, alcoholic parents and most of the time I felt like their problems were somehow my fault. As I got older I began to feel more and more hopelessness and I became desperate for someone to love me. Even if it came at the attention of a 23-year old man.

I’m ashamed to admit I got pregnant at 15 on purpose because I was desperate for love. Within 10 years I had 3 more daughters trying to fill the massive hole in my heart. All of my children have the same father and we married in 1999 but even all the love he showed and support of our family wasn’t enough to fill the whole in my heart.

The depression got worse, the mood swings became unbearable and I was bordering on the verge of a psychological breakdown. By the time I reached the age of 33 I had been arrested for filing a false police report and hospitalized 3 times for severe psychosis and schizophrenia. I was very embarrassed and ashamed of the pain I caused my family, especially my daughters.

Today I am on antidepressants, mood stabilizers, anxiety medication and sleeping pills. The stigma behind mental illness runs deep and it destroys lives. If you or someone you know seems to be exhibiting “weird” behavior or talking about committing suicide please get them help as soon as possible. If it wasn’t for the love of my family and the support of my husband I honestly don’t know where I’d be today. The first step is admitting you have a problem by sharing with someone you trust. Some days I still struggle but my family gives me hope and I’m currently in a very good Christ-centered recovery program. We have to find a reason to live and for me my reason is my girls and my husband. You are not alone!