Rock Bottom: The Lessons I Learned and the Promise I Made

It’s been a little over two years since that night. The night when I lost, the night when I almost lost everything, the night when I almost lost myself; the night I cannot remember. They say you never forget the worst night of your life and that it stays with you forever. I do not have that luxury. I am not lucky for having a blank spot in my memory. I do not know what happened that night so all I have is my imagination and boy am I creative. Countless scenarios play through my head of the night I tried to kill myself.

I cannot remember that night, but I remember everything that happened before. Yes, that I remember clearly, the pain, the hopelessness. That’s something that will never go away. I will be eternally thankful for that, thankful that my brain finally got something right. For if that memory was lost then I would not be who I am. I hate my depression, I truly do, but it’s very existence is what has driven me to this point. 

This is not a post about depression. I don’t need to explain it because I know you already have an intimate understanding of it. This is not even a post about that night. This is a post about the morning after. This is a post about the lessons I learned and the promise I made to myself.

People claim to know who they are, that they understand themselves at the deepest of levels. I used to think that way too. However, it is not until we hit rock bottom that we truly learn who we are. Stripped bare, we are forced to look at ourselves from the lowest of angles. With a new perspective we are allowed to see the essence of who we are, what makes us tick, but more importantly, why we tick. To quote my favorite T.V. show, “it is not until we hit our lowest point that we are open to the greatest change.” That’s what rock bottom is. It’s a place of self-acknowledgement. It truly is a scary place and it is so easy to concede to the darkness. To allow it to take over and keep you there forever. It takes true courage to look for the light and begin the ascent. That’s what I learned. I learned that despite what my condition had been telling me, I truly am a strong person. That I am full of love and compassion and that my existence is not worthless, that I am not worthless.

The other lesson I learned was that the things that happen to us have no inherent meaning and it is up to us to give meaning to what seems like pointless suffering. I used to hate religion, the idea of faith made no rational sense to me and while I am still not a religious person, I have learned the true essence of change. I learned that faith is a survival mechanism. I know I would not be able to go on thinking that all the pain I experienced was for no reason so in response I have placed faith in the idea that the suffering is something I can use. To make something out of nothing is an ultimate act of courage. I decided that I would use the pain and suffering I’ve experienced to drive my empathetic understanding of others. I learned that in order for me to keep moving forward I have to use my experiences to help others. I need to share my story and let others know they are not alone. I need to be able to help others. So that’s what I do. I have to believe that, I cannot believe it was all for nothing.

So I made myself a promise that morning. A promise built on these lessons. A promise to fight. To keep on fighting regardless of how difficult things get. I learned a lot from being at rock bottom and what I learned is I never want to be there again. So I will never, ever, give in. I will not let my illness win again. I will fight.

I am brave, strong, loving and courageous. And so are you.