Stigma Hurts Everyone

When I was a child, I was the happiest kid around. It all changed when I became a teenager. I became so depressed that I couldn’t make myself get out of bed some days. Other days, I’d become so anxious that I couldn’t function. I began self-harming when I was 15. I kept it a secret for a long time but eventually, I slipped up and my mother found out. She immediately set up an appointment with a psychiatrist for me. I remember I kept thinking “What will happen if my friends find out I’m going to see a shrink?”

I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, started on medication and forced to meet with countless therapists. I resented all of it. I told no one because I was afraid my friends wouldn’t want to associate with me anymore. I was very angry and resentful about being forced into it and during those first few years, I never saw a therapist more than once or twice. I’d always tell my mom there was something wrong with each of them and she would take me to the next one. I was so scared that people would judge me or look down on me that I didn’t even want help. Unfortunately this is the case for many people. The stigma against mental illness in society prevents many people from seeking help. 

I’ve continued to struggle for the past six years. I developed new symptoms and some of the old symptoms worsened. I’m currently diagnosed with bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety and ADD. I’ve had times when I withdrew from the world and felt absolutely worthless, I’ve dealt with the highs and lows of bipolar disorder,  I’ve struggled with anxiety attacks and I’ve had countless relapses in my struggle to overcome self-harming which had become an addiction for me. Over the years, I’ve found out that many people really do stigmatize people with mental illness. I’ve had conversations with people who were unaware of my issues who referred to people with mental illnesses as ‘crazy.’ I’ve had situations where I’ve made a new friend only to inform them of my diagnoses and watch them quickly drift away.

The thing that opened my eyes the most as to how bad the problem is happened in 2013. After a series of very stressful events, my mother began to experience delusions, hallucinations and extreme paranoia and was hospitalized for a week. She was then diagnosed with bipolar 1 with psychotic features. Though she is fairly well managed most of the time, she has been hospitalized three times at two different inpatient behavioral units over the past three years. This has impacted our family in numerous ways. My mother had to quit her job. Some of my brother’s friends whose parents found out about my mother were no longer allowed to come over. A little more than a year ago, I was engaged. A big contributing factor to our breakup was the fact that he thought my mother was crazy and didn’t want to have anything to do with her. 

Mental illness stigma has affected my life in many different ways. I try to educate people when I can. I am currently doing my internship at the inpatient behavioral unit at the hospital where a big part of their recovery process is helping the patients to overcome the self-stigmatization. A mental illness is just one characteristic of what makes a person who they are. Unfortunately, many people get caught up in labeling themselves which limits their ability to think of themselves as anything more than their diagnosis. 

Though this is a hard thing for anyone to go through, I’m glad it happened to me. It helped me discover what I want to do in life, which is counsel people with mental illness. I’d like help those who are struggling just like I did. No one should feel ashamed of something beyond their control. You don’t choose to have a mental illness, just like you don’t choose to have a physical illness. I’m actually doing my senior thesis on mental illness stigmas. I feel like my interest in this topic has helped me a lot when it comes to accepting myself.

I don’t go around with a megaphone announcing my list of diagnoses, but I no longer hide it. I’m not ashamed or embarrassed anymore. If someone has an issue with it or it makes them feel uncomfortable, I try to talk with them about it.  Unfortunately, some people are unable to let go of their prejudices. But this has allowed me to weed out the people who would make me feel worthless and ashamed. Many people have not been able to overcome their self-stigmatization, however, which I find heart-breaking. No one should have to go through life feeling like they can never be more than a label.

Let others know that there is hope and understanding about mental health. Together, we can become stigma free.