Personal Stories

When I tell people I have bipolar disorder, I act all nonchalant about it. Some people are shocked, not because I am mentally ill, but because I don’t “show signs.”

So I fight: I drag myself to yoga when I feel as though I can barely muster the strength to lift my head and I talk to my friends when I want nothing more than to lock myself in my room for a week.

If we come together, despite all the hate, we can spread love and save so many lives. It’s sometimes just as simple as a smile. Be a listening ear, strike up a conversation with someone, volunteer your time and resources—nothing is too small.

Bipolar disorder doesn’t define me. There are also many good qualities that I have. I am passionate. I am adventurous. I am inquisitive. I am empathic. I am creative. Most importantly, I am strong.

In 2014, I stumbled upon an organization that not only helped me shed my fear of disclosure, but also gave my family our long-awaited sigh of relief. I found NAMI.

To my family: thank you for encouraging me to seek help and for reassuring me that it’s okay to take medication for depression because it is, after all, caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain.

If you are in crisis mode right now, all you need to do is survive. Everything else in your life will come with time but for now just focus on surviving. Focus on not listening to your suicidal thoughts.

I went from that girl who would always smile and laugh or make jokes to the girl who locked herself in her room all day. I started to have trouble sleeping. I would lay awake at night and stare into the darkness and be consumed with anxiety at the thought of my future.

After being correctly diagnosed, learning about it and seeing an amazing therapist once a week, I am proud to say that I have been self-harm free for about two years and am slowly recovering.

I want to dig in. I want to push myself to feel joy and to feel whole. Whether that comes through antidepressants and therapy, yoga and meditation, writing and conversation, I am willing to try it all.