Drowning

One year ago, today, March 17, 2015, I was pronounced dead from attempting suicide for the third time. Today will be a bittersweet day for the rest of my life.

I was diagnosed with chronic depression when I was 13 years old. I tried counseling when I was younger but I felt judged, so I stopped going. Things were going okay until I turned 16. Then things went back to being very dark. I was young, dumb and in love. I hung around the wrong people and that pushed me over the edge with my family.

When I turned 18, I was excited to graduate and go to college and live the adult life! Things were going good for me. I was checking off the check marks, I was ready to conquer the world. On November 20, 2011 everything changed. I found out I was pregnant. The fantasy world I had going on in my head just crashed down. Boom. Reality. 

I was 18, about to go to college, and pregnant. I was so emotional. Sad, happy, angry, confused, etc. the normal things you feel when you’re pregnant. Times a thousand. When I was about five months pregnant, that’s when the depression came back, and it was terrible. I saw my class going shopping for college and I knew I couldn’t do that because I was having a baby. The last few months of my pregnancy went better than any part of it.

I finally had my son July 31, 2012 and I was happier than I have ever been in my entire life. It was instant love and I’ve never loved like that before. I had the most beautiful baby boy and I was so excited. That’s the moment I could feel myself realizing that this is my purpose in life.

That happiness died out in me when I turned 19. I was exhausted, alone, and could feel myself more sad more often. It was 2013, and probably the longest year of my life. I was turning into a person I used to mock. That emotional but more angry human being.

It was 2014, and I trained myself to be numb. Numb from feelings, love, and I didn’t allow happiness. It was a cold year. The only thing that kept me going was my son. He’s always been my motivation.

2015 came and I was going to be 21, and I hated 2015. It was the worst year of my life. I wish it never happened. I have had enough with everything. I was doing stuff that just made me so miserable. The first time I attempted suicide was in the beginning of the year. I stayed alive. The second time was painful. I stayed alive.

And the third attempt was the last attempt. March 17, 2015. I’d been researching ways to kill myself over a lengthy period of time. I chose March 17, because it was a day everyone was busy and wouldn’t really notice. I was wrong. It was about 10:30 pm. I kissed everyone goodnight and I took a bath. I had candles burning, read a book, and went under water. I stopped breathing, and I could feel myself fading away. It was a very peaceful moment for me. I was gone.

I woke up and was coughing up water and blood. My body was numb and cold. I didn’t feel anything. I was unconscious they said. I don’t remember anything when I got to the hospital. I was pronounced brain dead. But then a miracle happened, I woke up to a white light and I could here in my head, my son saying “hi mommy, I love you.” He wasn’t there, but I swear I heard him say that. I woke up and I was fine. I went home and felt more alive than ever in my life. Like I said, my son is my motivation and my purpose.

It’s been a year and today I am not that person I was nine years ago. I am the most lovable mother to my son and I am living out my life. I have medical problems since that day. I got treatment and am still going to counseling. It has positively changed my perspective on my entire life.

Now, the next step is going to college. I want to be a mental health advocate and a psychiatrist. I’m taking it one day at a time. I still get sad. It will always be a part of me, but I’ve learned to like that part of me and I know how and what to do to cope with it. I am thankful I am alive and I’m so excited to see what the rest of my life looks like.

I hope I can help people from my story and they can learn something. Life is way too beautiful to end it on your terms. Wake up every morning and just breathe.