Finding Balance

I was hospitalized for anorexia nervosa at age sixteen, but my symptoms really started to emerge when I was thirteen after I had been in a traumatic car accident while driving with my dad. That horrific moment changed me forever. I began to isolate myself, falling into the trap of an eating disorder in order to cope with the intense feelings that I kept bottled up inside. But, as I realize over time, this was a dangerous road that I, deep down, do not want to travel.

Right now I am twenty-one years old, recovered and healthy, but it took a long time to get to this point. From the time I began treatment at age sixteen to the moment that I was finally discharged from treatment at age twenty-one, I have been in and out of both inpatient and outpatient treatment.

My first time through treatment, I was forced into it. My malnourished and young adolescent mind could not comprehend the seriousness of this illness. As the doctors continued to tell me, it was either go into treatment or die within the next few months due to my low weight and dangerously low heart rate. The scary thing is that I was so sick that I actually considered holding onto my eating disorder; I was so afraid and resistant to change my rigid behaviors that I was willing to die just to keep things the same. Now I realize how sick I actually was and I will be forever grateful to my parents for forcing me into a year of hospitalization.

After I was discharged from my first round of treatment, I was finally able to start living my life. I was finally free from the miserable prison of the eating disorder that I once knew so well and ready to explore life and all that it has to offer. I had an amazing senior year of high school, got accepted into my dream college, excelled on the swim team, playing as a drummer in my band, and overall living out my passions rather than being trapped in an obsession. Life was good for a while, nearly three years without having to go into treatment! But, once my junior year of college—and all of the overwhelming pressure that comes with it—began, I ended up falling back into my eating disorder.

During my junior year of college, I started to lose myself within the obsession with weight, numbers, exercise and perfectionism. On the outside, everything seemed fine—4.0 GPA at a prestigious liberal arts college, star employee at my job, dedicated volunteer—but internally I was dying inside, burying myself in my work. It was only a matter of time before my physical health began to deteriorate as well.

After a trip to Florence, Italy to study abroad the summer of my junior year of college, I realized that I needed to get help. I came back home at a dangerously low weight and my vitals were not looking good, so my doctor suggested that I go back into treatment for my eating disorder.

My second time through treatment, at age twenty, was different because it was my choice. I was not forced this time because I was an adult, and while part of me considered just living with the eating disorder, another part of me had finally decided that I had enough of the eating disorder. This motivation gave me the courage to seek treatment once again. I was more than ready to take back my life.

The journey through recovery was the most challenging thing I had ever faced in my life. It was painful, scary and overwhelming at times, but it was also beautiful and enlightening. As I began to find myself again, I developed a passion for recovery and helping others; no one should have to go through all of the pain, suffering, depression, anxiety and turmoil that this deadly, manipulative eating disorder forces upon them when there is so much more to live for. We may not have had a choice in our development of the eating disorder, but we do have the choice to recover.

After many years of living with an eating disorder, treatments, relapses, and overall choosing to be resilient throughout life’s journey, I am now proud to say that I am recovering. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. I do not regret going through battling an eating disorder because it enabled me to find myself in a world where I felt so lost. Because I went through this, I have found my passion, and that is being a therapist for those who suffer from eating disorders and guide others through their recovery journeys. Because I chose recovery, I am in graduate school right now working towards this goal.

This is my story, and I hope you all use it as inspiration to overcome your own eating disorder  or any mental illness that you are facing. I know that you probably hear this a lot, but recovery is possible, I am living proof. My eating disorder had kept me silent for so long, but now I am speaking up. My voice is finally being heard, and I hope that you all will join me in the fight because none of us can do this alone. We need each other to grow and stay strong. We are all very strong and insightful people and, if we put our minds to it, we can overcome this eating disorder together. We are all incredible people and each and every one of us is meant for great things. Just believe in yourself. Please, never give up because you are worth it.