I’m Here to Help

Hello!

I heard about this website from a NAMI Connections meeting I attend. I thought I was a hopeless case. I thought that I was going to die from either my heart exploding or the ideations winning over me. I lived in a hopeless, sheltered, meaningless, and unfair world. I want to spread the word that it absolutely does get better, not perfect but better.

Everyone’s situation is different, but I believe that I have faced some of the worst symptoms of depression and I am still here. I want to encourage everyone who feels alienated, or useless, or maybe you feel like you’re a terrible person and are unworthy. These are lies. Our depression lies to us and forces us to live in a false reality, and it is a cycle. One false negative thought leads to another and another until the thoughts don’t even make sense anymore, but everyone can see how irrational the thoughts are except the person who is suffering.

Depression is indeed an illness. Yes, everyone can become depressed once in a while but individuals, like myself, may suffer from a depressive disorder and not even know it. I like the name of this website because it is absolutely OK to talk and reaching out is always the best way to begin the recovery process.

I was released from long-term hospitalization a month ago. I spent 5 months in a state hospital, but the suffering started long before the hospitalization. I had felt from a very young age that I never fit in anywhere, that I was awkward, and this misconception followed me through my teenage years into my adult life.

My upbringing was very hard to say the least. I was never physically or sexually abused but I was emotionally abused and always told I was no good. I spent a lot of my life cooped up in my room hiding in video game worlds and books. I always felt like I was on the outside of this great party house of life but I couldn’t go in. I could only watch others have fun and be happy.

I became angry and bitter towards the world and I developed a very bleak and negative attitude. I became comfortable and felt justified in my isolation, I would push my existential views on others in an attempt to break their spirits and deny them joy. Reflecting now on the way I was back then I see that I had become a negative and not very nice person but it was not my fault. I really was lost and did not know better.

I believe my mental illness was mainly a combination of genetics, conditioning (for example, circumstances beyond one’s control, such as parentage) and self-unawareness (“low self-esteem”) among other things. Because genes cannot be altered for the time being I cannot help that I have a depressive disorder but I can be responsible for my own recovery by reaching out to friends and family for help. And if you feel like you have no friends or family, there will always be someone out there who cares. No matter who you are!

I now live on my own in a supported apartment that was granted to me by a very awesome peer run organization. I now have a chance to remake life how I want it to be. I no longer have apprehension and severe panic when socializing with others, in fact I enjoy it. My life is far from being worry-free and unicorns and rainbows but I feel like I have had time to work on myself. If someone asked me how I got to this point I would say that I merely gave myself a chance and chose to accept that the thoughts I was thinking were unacceptable.

I reached out to as many people as I could. Friends, family and organizations. I was living in terror but I didn’t want to die and I would tell that to whoever I was asking for help. I was honest and humble and willing to except the help because I had no other choice. I was telling a close friend in desperation once that I was afraid to ask a family member for money because I was falling behind financially. I had never asked for money before but I guess I was too scared and felt too powerless to ask so my friend said “You’re thinking of killing yourself but you won’t ask your family for money? That doesn’t make sense.” She was right.

Again, I just want to share my experience with others and comfort them. I want people to understand that they should ask for what they need and get out of the lies their illness is telling them.

Thanks for reading and I hope you are well!

Mark