In Case You Need a Rainbow

Suicide is the second cause of death for Americans ages 14-24. With the competitive nature of social media and the bullying that can easily occur online combined with the social stigmas about mental illness, I fear this problem isn’t going away soon enough. It’s estimated that an American dies from suicide every 13 minutes. These are just a few reasons I know it’s time for me to share my story.

I had graduated from college with an English degree. I originally was going for English Education and thought that I could teach high school while I went to graduate school to become a professor of creative writing. It became apparent however, that teaching high school wasn’t where my heart was. I changed my degree to English, forgoing the Ed. It caused me to graduate a semester behind my friends.

When I was ready to apply for a “real world” job, I quickly realized I had not planned properly. My friends all had jobs and apartments already and I couldn’t get an interview to be a receptionist. I took a part-time job waitressing at the worst place to work when you’re feeling down. I was required to sing Happy Birthday at nearly every table and gritted teeth behind a plastered smile as 3-year-olds were coaxed by their parents to give me their orders. With every table I cleaned and wiped down, a sinking feeling of dread consumed me.

It wasn’t just the job-hunting despair but a combination of heartbreak from an ended college relationship and the effects of a traumatic situation that occurred from a night of too much drinking my Freshman year that lead me into a dark depression. I began to feel completely worthless and I found myself deep in self-loathing. I cringed around mirrors and I did strange things like shower in the dark and wear long sleeves and a hood in the middle of summer. My family noticed some of my behavior but I kept it together enough so that no one knew the severity of my suffering.

When I started having suicidal thoughts it actually felt like a relief in a way. I believed I wasn’t good enough to receive help and that it couldn’t possibly work for me anyway so I gave myself the escape route of death in my thoughts. I couldn’t imagine living on in the amount of pain I was in and I really couldn’t think of another option. Eventually I began writing a suicide note and my mom just happened to come home early that day. I told her what I was doing and she took me to the hospital.

There was a lot of therapy and hard days to follow. I had convinced everyone that I was well enough to do an outpatient program even though I was barely hanging on. I felt incapable of being assertive about the amount of help I needed. Eventually the professionals helping me took notice of this which lead me to staying inpatient for a week.

Being inpatient was the beginning of me getting better. For the first time since my depression started I felt an intense desire for something. I really wanted to go home and that wanting woke up the life inside me that had gone numb. After I got home I kept up with therapy but it still wasn’t easy.

One day I was driving home and I really wanted to talk to God. I wasn’t religious or spiritual at that time but I realized if there was a God, that I needed to talk to Him or Her. I wanted to go somewhere in nature where I wouldn’t be bothered by another person. I wasn’t able to find a single place so I ended up in my backyard. I slumped to the ground and looked up at the sky. I told God that I didn’t know if I was going to make it through the pain. I prayed. It was a sunny day without any clouds in the sky and out of nowhere a rainbow the shape of a rectangle hung above me. It was as if a piece of sky had been cut away just for me. I started sobbing. I knew in that moment I was going to make it through.

Therapy was important to my healing but nothing helped me more than finding my passion in life. I asked myself what I wanted to do and I asked myself who I wanted to be. The answers came and I found the courage to take action to make it happen. I now know what I didn’t know back then. My life matters. I know that there is a purpose for me here. If you are feeling lost and that life is not for you, please hear me. We need you and what you offer this world. If you believe that you are incapable of healing, know that your brain is lying to you. I may never speak to you personally but if you’re reading this, please know that I am so glad you’re still here. If you have been in need of reassurance that you are going to make it through, please use this post as your rainbow.

Let others know that there is hope and understanding about mental health. Together, we can become stigma free.