Redefining My Normal

Over the past few years, I have learned to embrace my mental illness and most importantly, not be ashamed. Staying strong has been the most challenging task I’ve ever been faced with and the need to stay strong doesn’t stop for one second.

Years ago, I was a tenacious and independent woman…I was a pistol! As time continued to pass, my mental condition slowly began to deteriorate and then suddenly, everything seemed to be lost. All of my dreams, ambitions, my sense of self and everything in between disappeared and I was completely lost with nowhere to go. I knew I was severely depressed but like many others like me, I had been misdiagnosed for the previous 10+ years.  And then I finally received my proper diagnosis as bipolar II.  

I have attempted recovery with the help of amazing doctors, 20+ medications, therapy, very patient loved ones, etc. with no luck. I am currently undergoing Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS) as my next line of defense and to be completely honest, if this doesn’t work, I don’t know where else to turn.

Being mentally ill—especially treatment resistant—has unfortunately forced me to forgo just about every aspiration I previously had for my life. I had dreams of marrying the love of my life, having a little boy (or girl), providing a more than sufficient income to my family, owning a house, and making my loved ones proud by meeting and exceeding my potential. I was enrolling in a doctorate program in mental health when the manifestation took full control and everything came crashing down. So I withdrew from the program and my soul still feels that pain today. I am a high functioning individual who is surrounded by love and support when I can’t find the person I once knew myself to be but it just hasn’t been enough. I am still suffering and I feel more hopeless than one could imagine. I want to be a pistol again!

But at some point I realized…this IS who I am now. I am bipolar, severely depressed, socially anxious and most importantly, I am not longer the independent woman I once knew. I struggle every day with a stigma that society has placed on the mentally ill because people just chalk me up to being crazy, boring, needy, or some other unflattering adjective (it depends on which part of my cycle you catch me in). I’m afraid to have friends because I don’t know how to talk to them or have a relationship. So I isolate. I’m afraid of being in public places a lot of times because the stimuli overwhelm me into a panic. So I stay secluded. 

I have a very difficult time finding the energy and motivation to do the simplest tasks such as feeding myself and taking showers. And admitting that makes me extraordinarily uncomfortable and ashamed. I can no longer have the dreams I once dreamt of, but not because of a lack of will. Rather, I cannot have those things because my cards have been dealt and recovery is not looking too optimistic. I cannot force motivation and energy to get up and be normal. So how am I supposed to live a normal life with a steady job and raise a family?

The answer was simple: I needed to redefine what makes me happy and what my new dreams would be. And the first part of that new definition required that I be myself no matter what. So now I am out of my “bipolar closet” but I still live in fear of what troubles the stigma may create. The stigma exists because of ignorance and I refuse to perpetuate that ignorance by hiding the person I am. I will fight that stigma by showing the world the positive things about myself and by proving that I am still, indeed, a human being.

I believe that my trials, much of which are not mentioned, are for a reason and that reason is to be an advocate for those who cannot advocate for themselves. Mental illness transforms a person and completely robs that person of their soul. Fighting for your rights and for treatment options is nearly impossible when you are drowning in the deep, dark hell of mental illness. But these are people who need help! They are not crazy and they are not a waste of space as much of society seems to think. They are people, just like you, who were given a very difficult illness to manage. And these people need to have their lives saved! We need to stop the stigma and step up with a voice that encourages healthy living through acceptance and compassion. This has become my dream.

But for now, my journey to recovery continues and it rages! I am a fighter, it is in my blood and I will be relentless in my battle against my brain disorder until the day comes that I can finally rest. And when I can’t fight for myself, my advocates will do it for me because they see me as a person, not my bipolar diagnosis.

Thank you so very much for taking the time to read more about my journey and where I come from. Mental health is very important to me and I hope to help influence change in the lives of others in some way or another.