The Inner Monologue of BPD

I wake up with a sense of dread.

How is today going to go? How are my moods going to be? How are the people in my life going to act towards me today? How am I going to perceive the people in my life who interact with me today? Are they just being nice to me because they want something? Are they being condescending? Are they just pretending to care like everyone else? No one really loves me. How could they? I don’t even love myself. They tolerate me because I’m nice to them and I help them if needed. They can ask me to do anything and I will do it. I just want them to like me. I want everyone to like me.

I mean, why would anyone be mean to me?  How could anyone not like me? I go above and beyond for everyone. People are so ungrateful. Here I am, bending over backwards for these people and they couldn’t care less! I’m so done with them. I’m never helping them again. How hateful and terrible can someone be?? 

Wait, I haven’t heard back from them yet. They didn’t answer my text. Oh my gosh, they didn’t answer my phone call. They are avoiding me. They hate me. Oh no. I’ve ruined a good relationship again. Everyone hates me. I’m such a terrible person. I can’t handle them being mad at me. Oh no, I have to make this right. I can’t live without them. I can’t go on knowing they are mad at me. I’m so stupid. Why can’t I just be normal and get along with everyone! 

Oh never mind! They texted me back.

They want me to go to the store with them.

Really?

You ignore me and then you ask me to just get up and go to the store with you? What kind of person does that? I’m busy today anyway. I have to clean the house. It’s a total disaster because I’m a horrible homemaker. I can’t do anything right. I can’t cook, clean, take care of the kids, hold a job, finish school, be a good wife, etc. I’m just worthless really. What is the point in trying?

They aren’t responding to me now that I told them no anyway. Of course not. I told them no so now they aren’t going to talk to me until they need me again the next time. Why do I keep trying to make them happy? They are so terrible. I’m so done talking to them. All they want is for me to be around to do things for them. What kind of relationship is that?

I’m just going to text them about something funny and unrelated and see if they respond. If they don’t, I don’t even care! I am done trying.

Oh my gosh they didn’t answer. Crap. They hate me. I should have just said I would do it. I am so awful. What is wrong with me? They just needed someone to hang out with. I should have been there. No wonder everyone hates me. They would all be better off without me here.

My life is a series of questions and reactions in my head. All day long, until I finally fall asleep in complete exhaustion from constantly going back and forth between happy and completely debilitated by emotion. A life with borderline personality disorder is not just someone trying to get attention. Most of this never even leaves my head. It’s a constant battle inside my own head about whether or not I’m worth living another day.

I’m Katie. I’m a 31-year-old mother of three. I have bipolar I and borderline personality disorder. This is just a glimpse of what goes through my head in a regular day. It has nothing to do with anyone else — and yet everything to do with them at the same time.