Trying to Stay Positive

I have been diagnosed with several mental illnesses: bipolar II disorder, anxiety and panic disorder, binge eating disorder and most recently obsessive compulsive disorder. They affect me on a daily basis, especially the OCD. I have to count almost everything I do when I am not distracted. I count my footsteps, number of sips I take from a cup, number of times I chew a bite when I am eating and lots of other things. I have to count in groups of 4 or 8. I have to take 8 sips from a cup. When I am filling up my cup with water, I count in groups of 8. It’s very annoying.

It seems that when I am not distracted or counting, I have a melody playing in my head. It could be Beethoven’s Fifth symphony, a Scarlatti keyboard sonata or a song my mom was singing. I was a music major in college, so it seems like I always had something playing in my head, over and over to the point of insanity. I also analyze the melodies that are playing in my head, and I have to sing them in solfege – do re mi, etc.

When I don’t count or tap my fingers or feet in certain patterns, I become anxious. I feel a sense of doom, like something terrible will happen if I don’t count in groups of 4 or 8, or if something ends on an odd number, they are bad. 

I suffer from obsessions over friends, movies, social media and my parakeet. These interfere with daily life, as well. I once became obsessed with one of my guy friends in college. It was embarrassing and when I was rejected, I fell into a very deep depression. This is where my bipolar II disorder came into play. My depression was so bad, I wanted to die. I made a plan to kill myself, and a backup plan in case the first plan failed. I was going to slit my wrists with Ikea knives from my kitchen, and if that didn’t work, I was going to drive off a cliff. I had already chosen the location.

I was about 15 minutes away from doing it, when I realized that my death was going to affect so many people. I called a friend and he and his girlfriend came and drove me to the emergency room at a local hospital. I was then taken to the mental hospital, where I stayed for 8 days. This was about 5 years ago. I had to move back home with my parents. I had a relapse, and I had intense urges to hurt myself. I had to be admitted to the local mental health clinic for three days in a 72-hour hold. 

I have been known to cut myself. I have urges to self harm, but most of the time I can ignore them or distract myself. I have a “distraction box” filled with stuff to take my mind off of my bad thoughts or anxiety. Things I have in my distraction box include scented wax squares, fruit snacks, a practical book, bells, mandalas and markers and water flavor enhancers. I also have an LED light that has three colors that cycle through, a velvet scrunchie and lip gloss. 

I still suffer from depression and most days I don’t even want to get out of bed or get dressed. My parakeet keeps me going though. He is the bright star in my night sky.

I also suffer from Fibromyalgia, a chronic pain condition. Pain makes me depressed, and I feel like crap sometimes. My medication for pain helps, but it’s still hard to walk and I have memory problems from my meds. I also suffer from degenerative disc disease, which causes bad sciatica. I see a chiropractor almost weekly. This helps a little.

I am trying to get SSI benefits. My initial application was denied, and I appealed and was denied again. I finally am going to talk to an attorney so I can be properly represented at the ALJ hearing that has yet to be scheduled by the Social Security Administration. I need to get as much information about my conditions as I can find to support my claims.

I also have ADD, which I have had since I was a kid. I’m taking medication for it and it seems to be helping a little.

One last condition I have is panic attacks. I have had several over my lifetime. I even remember having one as a kid. It was at a blood draw clinic. I have had to go to the emergency room a couple of times for panic attacks. I remember being at a pet sitting client’s house and my panic attack started. I recognized the symptoms. I decided to drive home, but I had to pull over and call 911. I was taken to the emergency room via ambulance. The EMT was great! She helped me through it. The panic attack lasted about 30 minutes from start to finish.

I am currently taking meds and seeking treatment for my mental illnesses. I have insurance and they have an okay mental health department. I could really use one-on-one therapy weekly. I’ll have to find a therapist in my town.

Thanks for reading and I hope this helped people. Remember, there is always hope! Please don’t let other people get you down. I learned from a friend to “not sweat the small stuff” and that really helped. Try to let the little things go, even if they are bothersome. If someone cuts you off in traffic, don’t let it get to you. I say, “Oh well. Can’t go back and change what happened”. Remember, you can’t control others’ behavior or what they say, but you can control your reaction to it.